Miscellaneous jokes: www.bex-lewis.co.uk

A man walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of underpants made of cling film.....
The psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see your nuts"

It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect firewood. To double-check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.
The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."
So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.
The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks, "Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today I have finished a cheese pizza and 2 bags of chips.
I feel better already.

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."

"Congratulations Mr. Smith," said the psychiatrist. "I think we have finally and completely cured you of your delusion."
"Thanks...I guess." Answered Mr. Smith glumly.
"But what's wrong?" asked the psychiatrist. "Why do you sound so depressed?"
"Wouldn't you be down if one day you're King Leopold and the next you're a nobody?"

I stepped into the restroom at our company headquarters and found this handwritten sign posted over one of those hot air hand dryers... "Please push button and listen for a short message from the Vice President."